Old Blue Moses

Audience Harrassment
Martin Sanford-Hayles (Lead Vocals, Public Harassment and Intimidation)
At the tender of age of seven, Martin was forced into the Hammersmith Odeon with a packet of crisps and some rolos and made to watch a little known band called The Beagles. At the request of his long suffering and older sister he was also told not to make any noise whilst the band was playing. Suffice to say that after making much noise whilst the support acts were on (a little known band called The Yardbirds, some performing dogs [The Beverley Sisters?] and Roy Castle), which he thoroughly enjoyed, his dear sister throw out the rule book and screamed herself hoarse, deafening the poor lad in the process. His deafness remains to this day, and despite efforts to the contrary by OBM, no-one, but no-one can convince him that the leader of The Beagles, a certain Paul Myhurtknee, is in fact a clue to the severity of this early deafening experience.
His disability, far from discouraging him, led him to don a pair of loon pants and grow his hair waist length in a vain attempt to woo the lead guitarist of the school band Cripple Chicken .His attempts failed spectacularly, but negotiations were only concluded after a dramatic altercation in a public subway when the Chickens' (now renamed Mad Wilf 2) bassist let leash his Rickenbacker on our hero's head.
Undeterred, and feeling that the music industry would be poorer without him, he decided to form his own outfit after bumping into an alien called Mick Brennan, who he caught snogging a rather delectable girl with teeth braces that would not have looked out of place in Surrey Scaffoldings' yard. Sadly for him, the alien concurred and thus was formed the stunningly named Poor Mans Wealth. Interestingly, this also featured three guitarists, obviously feeding Martin's enthusiasm for the big band feel, only cheaper because electric guitars were more expensive and a distant dream. The band stormed the Surrey acoustic circuit only ending dramatically in the rhythm guitarist's bathroom (their first album studio) after Martin refused to leave the only seat in the room and allow his fellows to relieve themselves after a hard afternoon's drinking.
Depressed he moved onto to Drama (fame was not going to elude him), signing up for every known agency on the planet. He fell into adverts and bit parts, but was not seriously injured. Even today he can be seen on celluloid, bursting out of John Hurt's stomach in 'Alien'.
So on to today; what can we say of this front man whose dual disabilities of deafness and Rickenbacker migraines are regularly unleashed on an unsuspecting public........?
Some things you should know:-
  • He has played with four top name bands including Blodwyn Pig, Hatfield And The North, His Majesty And The Big Cream Doughnuts, and Audience (a short lived percussion solo) and all without leaving his bedroom.
  • Mastered the air guitar age 3
  • Mastered the stick guitar (his mum's broom) age 4
  • Failed the real thing age 7
  • Took up piano age 8
  • Gave up piano age 8½ after piano teacher committed suicide
  • Gave up thoughts of suicide age 9
  • Gave up age 9 when he was 10
  • Took up harmonica age 11 after bumping into Larry Adler in Woolworth's
    Gave up harmonica after swallowing reeds #4 and #5
Editors Note: This piece was written by Martin. All by himself. Solo. Unassisted. The only changes made have been spelling, grammar, syntax, style, content, format, font size, humour and the truth. Apart from that, all his own work. Well done Mart.

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